BROKEN RESOLVES.

Its so easy to break resolutions really.

I was so frustrated today.

I started FB-ing again.

I mean, updated my status and then made to comments on it.

And I commented on his album,

Cause I thought that I really should.

I mean, there was so much talk about me.

Then of course, I was all flustered.

And I deleted my comments.

And then deleted my recent activity,

Following her footsteps.

I was scared it might infuriate him.

Never know what does it nowadays.

I feel scared.

I think I'm gonna do that a LOT from now on.

Hiding?

No. Just not putting it his face.

WE'RE CONNECTED.

Never knew I'd connect so well with her.

Always thought we'd be rivals.

Truth be said, we're so insanely similar.

Identical, indeed.

I poured my heart out to her.

She's a good listener.

Patient and unbiased.

I misjudged her.

She's a delight.

She's my bundle of joy.

She's very nice.

Yes she is,

And right now,

She has all the complaints,

I've ever had.

I was glad I could share with somebody.

Would it be too much to say that,

I love her?

EDUCATING MOM.

Had this really long discussion with Ma.

On how this generation is so much more advanced.

How we have sex on our minds all the time.

I could make out that she's scared for me.

And really, she should be.

Anyway,

I think the talking did her real good.

I mean, I guess its important to have these mother daughter talks, since I have the good fortune of having such a liberal mother. So I told her all the reasons, and though she wasn't very convinced, I think she feels a little more relieved, cause we agree about a lot of norms.

Im happy I gave her a little lecture.

I HATE ME.

I dont feel like blogging.

Is that bad?

I mean, Im not bored.

I dont feel like it.

Its too much to write.

Dont blame me if I have really small posts from now on.

I know you hate me.

Believe me, I hate myself more.

MUSIC FREAKS.

We are SUCH music freaks.

I mean, who else would actually do what we do?

Its funny.

And very nice too.

I mean, to have such a niche taste in music,

And still find someone to complement it perfectly,

Is definitely WOW.

I owe a lot of tracks that I've been obsessed with,

To a lot of people.

But to him, I owe develpoing certain tastes.

Getting over my inhibitions about certain genres.

Its wonderful, really.

Yesterday we actually took the pain of attaching files.

And sending them to each other.

It takes a lot of time.

But its worth it.

Of discovering something new.

Yesterday, I really was INTO the whole bengali music groove.

Its very good.

Wonder why people underestimate them.

Anyway,

We are music freaks.

Period.

MY WITTLE WOGGY.

I've always wanted a pet.

I have.

Dad always thought I was too irresponsible to have one.

Aunty has a dog.

Today we got him home.

I already feel attached to it.

It likes me a lot, I think.

I mean, in the cab, it was next to me the entire while.

With its warm body next to mine.

It was leaning on me.

I think it felt secure that way.

At home, he wasnt really home,

Cause the place is new for him.

But he didnt bark or anything.

He was happy.

And he didnt eat anything.

But he slept.

He cuddled with dad.

In the last few years, baba's hardened up so much.

He never even hugs me tight,

But he lets him cuddle with him.

Its funny when they cuddle.

But they look cute.

He even gave him left overs from his plate.

He didnt shout at any of us.

He was rather happy.

It was really nice.

And he slept on the carpet next to my bed.

Its really nice touching his soft coat.

And have him lick my hands.

Its really nice when he looks at me like that.

He's adorable.

Dogs REALLY have therapeutic effects,

On us.

I love my pet.

HAIRY OBSESSION.

My hair.

My oh-so-wonderful hair.

God, today I wanted a hair cut.

It has these split ends,

So I wanted to do away with those.

Anyway, so I did.

Got a hair cut.

She cut it in steps.

I asked her to keep the front long.

I always wanted bangs,

But they dont quite suit my face.

So none of that.

But I like this too.

It falls in layers.

Like a fountain, I think.

Its pweety.

Very.

God, Im obsessed with my hair.

JUST!

HARD BEING A GIRL.

Being a girl is super hard.

I mean, you need to clean, scrub, wax, shave and basically do a huge number of things to make yourself presentable.

Seriously, the world is an unfair place.

Today I went with Aunty.

Waxing.

Never tried it.

Over-hyped?

No.

It was pretty nasty.

Hot wax on your skin. Brrhh. Dont even want to think.

And they use something like a knife to put it on.

Thats nasty too.

A thin steel surface, heated up.

And then they put it on you,

And..

PULL.

Ouch.

Period.

Benefits:

No hair for like three months.

You look a tone fairer,

Cause the dead cells are gone.

And you dont need to use soap,

For a week.

Okay.

Worth it.

WEEKENDS USURPED.

The Maths tuition is a pain,

Even before its begun.

God.

Scary.

Period.

First of all,

Its not once,

But TWICE a week.

Damn.

Once on wednesday evening,

Seven to eight thirty.

Not that I mind,

But these roads are just so fucking scary.

Full of junkies at night.

Damn.

If not that,

Then there are enough oglers,

To eye-rape me several times.

Sheesh.

The other of course is worse.

Saturday morning,

Or is that dawn for me?

Seven to eight thirty again.

I am so fucking sure,

Im gonna invariably sleep through my tuitions.

Anyway, more than that,

Weekend tuitions,

Will plainly mean:

No mumma.

Damn.

I miss her already.

MATH SCARE.

Maths tutor needed.
Maths tutor found.

God, I've needed a Maths tutor for a while now.

Not cause my concepts are weak,

Like dad says they are.

Just cause I need to be regular,

And for whatever the hell a tuition does, or doesnt,

It sure does make you regular.

And so maths tuition is a good thing.

Practice maketh perfect.

Right?

Anyway, its one helluva long walk.

Looking forward to it though.

Cause I need to tone up.

Badly.

The Maths Sir looks like a real groucha though.

Plain scary.

She said though that he's super funny and really cool.

Uh-huh?

Real hard to believe.

Maths.

Scarier still.

RESPECT TO GAUTAM CHATTOPADHAY!

He later sent me a link to a song today.

Bengali song.

Prithibita Naki Choto Hote Hote.

Its by Mohiner Ghoraguli.

Thats one band I luckily have heard about.

The song was expectedly amazing.

I've heard it before.

I definitely have.

Would have been more than a disgrace,

If I hadn't.

Respect to Mohiner Ghoraguli.

Definitely.

To have come up with with this number,

A good forty years back,

Is sheer genius!

I wasnt thinking much while listening.

Later I just read the lyrics.

And then it made so much sense.

Wow.

I even talked to dad about it.

He respects too.

Now thats something new.

Pioneers, man.

IM NOT GUILY.

I lied today,

And I dont regret it.

I bunked tuition for the first time,

And I dont regret it.

I nearly had sex,

And I dont regret it.

We nearly got caught,

And I dont regret it.

Today I left home at 2:30,

Said at home there was a test at tuition.

Actually went to my boyfriends place for a quickie.

Today I bunked tuition.

Called up sir and said there were some people coming home.

Actually we couldnt stop after that first half an hour of making out.

Today he was on top of me stark naked.

I scolded him a bit for lack of restraint.

Actually I really wanted to have sex with him then.

Badly.

Does that make me a bad girl?

Or just your average fifteen year old,

Helpless in Love,

And,

Greedy in Lust?

IN TOO DEEP

I always have epic baths.

But today I was supposed to meet my boyfriend.

Anticipating a lot of things,

I decided to shave.

I knew he'd like a cleaner ticket,

To Australia.

Err.. Yeah,

Whatever.

Shaving though is an elaborate process!

And today?

I made a complete mess of it.

The razor is cheap. Like any other.

And I think I need to invest in a better one.

Its time.

I make the place so foamy, that you can barely see.

Anyway, the trick is:

1. Make spot foamy.

2. Pull over with razor.

3. Clean razor with clean water.

4. Repeat.

Today I ended up doing it over and over,

And I got in too deep.

And there was a little blood I think.

Sigh.

It hurt.

A lot.

Then.

Of course later it was bliss.

HOLIDAY LIBERTIES.

More reasons for liking holidays..

When I finally decide to wake up,

First thing I do after wearing my specs,

Is grope for my phone.

Checked out my inbox.

That feeling of elation,

When two of them are from my lover.

Maybe that fight did some good after all?

Holiday liberty:

Went online from bed.

Wanted to catch him online.

Aunty had to go out.

And its my official break, so..

Nothing to study.

Just had to show everyone that I was awake.

Came back to the room.

Slammed door.

Online.

Yay!

Thats what I did all morning, btw.

Chat.

Sigh.

I lourve holidays.

FAR TOO EARLY.

I love holidays,

I seriously do.

Wake up whenever you want to.

Wow.

Not a care in the world.

Bliss.

I wish it could always be that way.

It would be so delightful.

Anyway, after a really late night yesterday,

I still managed to wake up at 7 am,

Today.

It was dark.

So cold.

And foggy.

So foggy.

My window was open.

I remembered my Bengali essay.

Kuachonno Bhor.

Got an eight.

I deserved WAY more.

I loved it.

Today morning.

Couldnt find my specs.

Just pulled the sheets closer.

Tighter.

And closed my eyes again.

Its too early to wake up.

And definitely, far too early,

For winter too leave.

HARD-WORK.

Its one-thirty am at night now.

I've had a hard night.

I did so much work.

Damn.

They say ants carry weights thats many times their own body weight.

Must be tedious.

Well, I exerted myself too.

I created this new email ID.

To create a new blog for my lovelife.

Cause my boyfriend says he wants it just for the two of us.

Thankfully I didnt have much to do,

So I did that.

And I think doing all this is way better,

Than wasting time of Facebook.

I feel good.

I feel tired.

But now I have two pretty nice profiles as bloggers.

And I have two pretty nice blogs attributed.

One to each.

Neat, eh?

I'm tired now.

But I did some hard work.

Sometimes it feels nice to do it though.

Hard-work feels good.

GRAMMY DISCOVERIES.

He says he hates the Grammy's.

Its not like I love them.

At least I didnt when I told him so.

But there are these four songs from the Grammy's that sorta stayed with me.

I mean, it was late in the night,

And the TV was on.

And VH1 was playing the Grammy's.

Is that my fault?

I watched a couple of stuff.

I liked some of it.

Laughed at the rest.

Anyway, the four songs are:

[1] Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me.

This song is awesome. Aunty told me about this way before. Downloaded it then. Liked it quite a bit. But then got detached from it. Now heard it again. Paid attention to the lyrics finally. They're beautiful. Losing my home of fifteen years.. it felt a lot like this. I mean, it can be related to.

[2] Lady Antebellum - Need You Now.

One song I like merely cause of the song itself. Its amazing to listen to. Her voice.. then his. The story. Of trying to get over each other and not being able to. And then the desperation and the urgency and needing each other right then.. its amazing. I quite like this band suddenly.

[3] Jewel - Satisfied.

I like it.. I cant really relate to it much. Always believed in quite the opposite really. But I love her voice. And how it reaches the crescendo. Quite delightful.

[4] Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything.

I like a plain fun song after a long time. Of course it has much deeper meaning. Meant for a teen rebel like me. Or maybe for older women too, dominated by their spouses. Seriously, I dont give a fuck to that male dominated world out there. They can keep their elite opinions to themselves. Nobody died to make them king of anything!

[5] Paramore - Only Exception.

Heard of the band before. Never really tried it. This song is great. I can again relate to it. Especially the part that says that love doesnt really exist.. but that doesnt mean I ignore the great thing in front of me right here.. and that You are the only exception. And besides that.. the song has an earthly feel to it. Makes it sound so real and close to home. Touches the heart. It does.

Thats my grammy discoveries.

OVER-BOARD.

Mumma always says dont over-do things.

And I always go overboard.

Seriously.

Three things I've gone grossly over-board with:

[1] Studies.

Fuck. I mean there's a limit to "me" being over-sincere.

I mean, I've finished one chapter in Physics and Biology each.

Does that even make bloody sense?

Yes, I have my boards this year.

But that doesn't quite mean that I slog it out right from NOW,

Does it?

Phew.

I need to Take It Easy for a while.

[2] Ethnic Look.

Jeez. Today I wore a Salwar Kameez.

Man, did I look weird.

I bet people were staring at me.

Cause I felt so uncomfortable in it.

I mean its neck line was so normal.

As in, no cleavage flashes.

No skin bare.

No nothing.

No fun.

Blehh. The wild kid in me needs clothes to compliment.

[3] Lenses.

My eyes are eyes.

I need to give them time to adjust.

I've been wearing the lenses far too much.

Thanks to which my right eye is now injured.

Hopefully no permanent damage.

Alert. I repeat Alert.

You're going fucking over-board.

Halt.

Damn!

BLUESY.

Sometimes I just feel bad without reason.

Like today.

My boyfriend texts me.

And Im supposed to be all excited about it.

But instead I get all bluesy.

My eyes are teary.

I look like a wreck.

Top it off I hear this really moving story.

About a girl who drinks acid and tries to kill herself.

Fuck.

That was outright scary!

I mean.. that could have been me.. Just saying.

Anyway, in the end..

I came back home.

Looking out the window.

With the wind in my face.

I feel like a dog at times.

When I put my head out of the window like that.

Its weird.

But you've gotta try it.

And then I got home and changed.

And not to mention I was this complete groucha.

And then I switched on the music and,

Sat on the PC and put my leg on the table.

Only after I heard his voice,

Did I feel a wee bit better.

I wonder why?

Is this love, then?

ITS A WOMAN'S WORLD.

He told me about this new upcoming Bengali band.

So I checked them out.

Decent sound basically.

I liked it. Soulful. Melodious. Lyrics were nice.

So I asked him for more pick up.

He suggested their lead vocalist.

I added up the guy on Facebook.

The response came in three minutes flat.

I was first a little apprehensive about my approach,

Later decided to keep it direct.

Said I'd like to the exact lyrics of a particular song by them.

He asks for my email id.

He sends me Mp3 versions of all the songs.

Wow.

Without asking.

I tell the boss, he says the guy's two-faced.

Why?

Cause he'd been asking for the Mp3's for days.

But I got it in seconds.

I giggled a little.

I spoke to the vocalist for a very long time.

I dont like him much.

He doesnt understand me much either.

Doesnt get English - biggest hitch.

And then he's the kind whose looking for serious sympathy.

Anyway, funny thing is that he was gaga about me in seconds.

And why?

I didnt say a thing.

Well, okay.. maybe a couple of nice things..

But not enough for you to give away your cell phone number,

To a kid half your age.

Phew.

Conclusion:

Its a woman's world.

And I couldnt be a more charming woman.

Im vain?

Aren't all women, honey!

LONELY BATHS.

Maid left early.

We ate first.

I was supposed to take a bath later.

The whole house was empty.

Shut the windows.

The verandah door too.

Started the geyser.

Let a bucket fill.

Then the big red baby tub.

Then turned up the music real high.

Then stripped in my room.

Then walked to the bathroom stark naked.

Brushed while listening to Miranda Lambert.

Then put shampoo on my hair.

It takes a while now.

Let it stay.

Changed it to Lady Antebullum.

Then washed my hair.

Then changed it to John Mayer.

Then scrubbed with a pumice stone.

And then finally put it to,

Secondhand Serenade.

And completed my ritualistic bath.

Oh did I say I was texting him the entire while?

And I sipped on a glass of coke?

And I was even reading for a while?

Wow.

I like these baths.

Lonely baths are the best.

Always.

FISHY TALE OF MY PET FISH.

Fish are so depressing.

We got ten of them, a week ago.

And suddenly they all start dying.

We've lost eight in like seven days.

Pathetic pet-keepers, eh?

So the worst part is that there's something wrong with the water.

I mean, they all have something like fungus all over them.
And it hinders their movement.

A real bother.

So we gave them terramycin.

That was a while ago, when they were six.

Which meant, four had already died.

So even after putting the antibiotic,

One could hardly move.

We took it out and tried cleaning it.

I didnt know if I should hold it hard or not.

It was scary,

Cause I kept thinking that it might die.

It died that night.

I felt like a complete murderer.

Next day they were all crazy.

They were either sitting absolutely still,

Or doing summer-saults all over the place.

I thought they've gone mad.

Now three more have died.

We're down to two.

And they're still depressing.

Fish are depressing pets.

And my fish,

Are well..

Extremely fishy!

TURNING INTO A COUNSELOR.

She asks me to come online.

I do.

She shares.

She says she's gotten high on a bunch of stuff.

Hard to believe.

First I think she's probably fibbing.

Later decide that she's saying the truth,

Owing to the urgency in her voice.

And then she says she let a guy get on top of her.

I was like.. no way.

Shit.

Now she's done it.

I was pissed with her.

She has always been impulsive.

But I never thought she'd get this far with it.

Anyway,

Consoled her,

I think.

Told her what I thought.

Felt good to help her.

She screwed up her exams.

My fault?

No.

Her?

Yes.

She's been perpetually off about it.

I mean, she's half depressed, half nervous and completely psyched.

Which of course is gonna get her nowhere.

Anyway,

So I talk to her again.

Help her vent.

And she says she's gonna go on exile.

I feel good,

Cause I realize she's serious and she's gonna make a conscious effort.

She even quits FB.

Today she joined back.

And I was like,

Shit, now she's screwing it up again!

I dont know what it is, that makes me feel so bad about this.

Why am I so involved anyway?

I feel like a goddamn counselor!

Eww.

Hell no.

PLEASE.

NO!

DREAM CATCHER.

I think I have an invisible dream catcher,

Somewhere near my head, while I sleep.

Last two days, I've seen these two dreams.

Completely contradictory to each other.

Both about my boyfriend.

Weird?

I know.

First one, also had a lot to do with my friends.

Been a little pissed at them, lately.

Dont ask why, I wish I knew myself.

Anyway, Dream One:

So in this one, I see I meet my pals when we're like thirty.

And Im this ravishing woman.

In the corporate world and all.

And I did the best amongst us all.

And they're all shit jealous,

Cause Im stinking rich and everything.

And then they think that my personal life sucks,

And Im like a slut in terms of the men I've been with.

However,

Just then, my boyfriend flies in from work.

And they see me walk up to him.

And we kiss.

Like lock lips for what seemed like minutes.

And they know none of them have that great a lover!

And they ask me if I'm married?

And I say no.

And then,

"I'm living in with Tanumoy!"

I DONT KNOW HOW TRUE THE DREAM WAS, AND HOW LONG THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TO LAST. BUT I WOULD LOVE THIS ONE TO COME TRUE.

Dream Two:

I have the career I want.

I have men drooling all over me.

But its never about a single man.

Im lonely deep inside.

And then suddenly I meet this man.

Tanumoy Majumder.

And I recognize him instantly.

He's doing just as well as I am.

And I get acquainted through a common friend.

We're both lawyers.

And the horrible part is,

He doesnt recognize me!

THIS DREAM WAS PLAIN SCARY. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF THIS HAPPENS. FIRST OF ALL, I CANT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT HIM NOW. AND THEN I CANT IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I MET SUCH A BLAST FROM THE PAST, LATER IN LIFE. AND THEN WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE DIDNT RECOGNIZE ME?

Anyway, not sure, which one is coming true.

All I know is that,

I have a dream catcher.

Definitely!

PURRING KITTEN.

Im a kitten.

You know the ones in those baskets?

The ones that push themselves on you?

Ones that purr when you stroke them?

They like to be pampered.

I do too.

So when I do well, I expect appreciation.

Its funny when appreciation comes from people,

You expect the least from..

And it doesnt from the ones,

You can swear promised to!

It was weird when I came back home and told,

Sangeeta Aunty and she was all like,

Thats fine, I guess,

Isn't it?

Damn you, It is.

Sure as hell it is.

It was weirded when I told my aunt,

And she was all like,

Ohh.. err.. good.

What the hell was that hesitation supposed to mean?

People are SO weird.

Period.

And then my grandmom.

She asks me not to study much.

And then when I tell her Im ranking,

There's no hint of excitement in her voice.

And my grandad.

For whom, even a B grade from me is like awesome,

Was like,

You need to improve your langauges.

What the fuck?

Thats like the highest in language.

Anyway, funny thing was,

Mom was awesome.

She was all like, wow..

Thats really good.

And Im really happy for you.

But the best was dad.

He got me Silk.

Wow.

That was unexpected.

I like it when he treats me like a baby.

Its cute.

I loved it.

I love it when mom and dad pamper me.

I am a kitten.

I AM!

And right now,

Im a "Purring Kitten".

BULLSEYE!

Hard work really pays off.

It feels amazing to really do well.

I mean how many days has it been since I got a rank?

A while I think..

So it felt good when all my marks were close to the highest.

I'll be a fibber if I say I dont like it when people applaud me.

I'll be a fibber if I say I dont like it when people get jealous,

Or when they ask me, "How do you do it?"

Honestly, I dont know. I dont know how this happened.

Yeah, I rise in love.. I always have.

But then, this is contrary to usual observations.

I mean, I've been so distracted.

I've cried and weeped and smiled and been ecstatic.

I've made out with my boyfriend on the day of an exam.

Still?

Well, the answer doesnt come to me.

And I dont care much for it.

Well probably I do..

..long story short,

All the slogging, all the burning out and all the hardwork,

Actually paid off.

Topping after a while, felt friggin amazing!

I mean, its not an everyday thing to see people cringe because of my humble marks..

..okay, now Im fibbing.

Anyway, it feels good.

I feel good.

I do.

This time the target,

Finally hit Bull's Eye!